Fat Tire Tuesday: Neptune’s Kingdom

My cat painted this portrait of me moping in Neptune’s Kingdom. The struggle. So real.

Well, as our trail network may well have been re-named “Neptune’s Kingdom” at this point, I don’t have a lot to say for myself in regards to mountain biking as of late.  

I mean, I’d love to tell you that I’m super focused, in the groove and totally committed to preparing for the upcoming race season. I’d also love to just casually mention in passing that I’ve slimmed down, shaped up and am in it to win it (and a bunch of other active-wear /energy drink/ personal-trainer/ free water bottle-type-slogans that were written by people who have obviously never suffered the  gross injustice known as “exercise” and “training” in their own lives and as a result, create a well intended but misguided series of “inspiring” phrases that only really inspire you to want to simultaneously punch them AND your condescending yogurt lid with it’s offensively perky cursive font that reads “Today is YOUR day girl! Give your dreams wings and fly!” on it) …

*ahem*

(is that just me? oh. ok. well. fine then. be inspired by your yogurt lid. I’m happy for you. really. I am. please let me know what brand it is. because my yogurt just makes me want to fight it, and I cannot go on like this. It’s very unreasonable.)

Anyhoo….

I would also SUPER love to say that I’ve purchased an indoor trainer, and am using it in conjunction with a very specific yet totally-reasonable-for-anyone’s-busy-life training program.

AND that the aforementioned training program has only served to seal my commitment to cycling, this racing season, and my physical and emotional health.

But I’d be a big fat fatty fat fat liar if I said that.  

Because I have not been handling this rain very well.  I have not substituted the mountain biking I like to refer to as my “Dirty Zen” for actual Yoga. Or for jogging. Or crossfit. Or doing sit ups. Or push-ups. Or … I don’t know … like … WALKING to the grocery store instead of driving. I have not dabbled in skinny tires, experimented with pavement or transcended my cycling experience into a Zwift world.

I have done none of those things.

Things I HAVE done:  

-moped

-complained about the weather

-slept a lot  (like A LOT)

-missed opportunities to ride when the rain stopped for half a day

-justified to myself why I did not ride when the rain stopped for half a day

-felt BAD about not riding when the rain stopped for half a day

-pretended like I didn’t care about riding, bikes or fitness

-ate pizza and drank beer

-got a tattoo (this was actually not impulsive, but regardless, it happened)

-tried to teach the cat how to flush the toilet

-tried to teach the cat how to fetch

-tried to teach the cat how to walk on a leash

-gave up trying to teach the cat things

-thought about just … you know … “checking out” trail conditions in spite of knowing FULL WELL that I should not even get my mental tread near the trail, let alone my actual tires

-was responsible and did not ride the trails, and then got mad because since when did I become a responsible adult?!

-got mad at gravity because my jacket fell off of a wall hook

-got mad at the cat for catting and knocking things off of tables

-got mad at the dog for dogging and being so unreasonably HAPPY all the time. (and also for pooping on the floor, which I think is actually a reasonable thing to be upset at, but I digress … )

-became a somewhat emotionally … expressive? Yes. Expressive Person. which is to say: I’ve become some kind of confused person who sometimes cries at dumb commercials for no particular reason, and feels itchy from the inside out and has twitchy legs because I haven’t exercised in what feels like WEEKS and WEEKS and …

and …

and …

and so here we are.

Fatty Fat Fat Tire Tuesday.

sigh.

Well, I’ll just be sitting here in my lycra and water-wings / arm flotation devices, waiting for a break in the weather, so that I may shed the snarling beast that has become my persona and once more return to human form.

Daylight savings gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Pizza gives me the strength to go on.

The thought of summer makes me smile.

This week’s forecast makes me feel personally attacked by the powers that be.

I know all of this is in my own head.  

Do you see why I need to ride my bike?!

The struggle is real.  

Someone take my keyboard away, hand me my bike, and tell me everything is going to be ok.  

Because really, for all of my whining …

Everything is going to be ok.

                 and

Everything is as it should be.

(It usually is).

Here’s to dreaming of longer days and longer rides.

Whaaaat? Did you really think you’d see a picture of a BICYCLE in this post? !!


Sarah Hansing is an industry veteran who works for Royal Dutch Gazelle, and occasionally still swings a wrench or two.
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